I believe 2011 was marked by the start of me losing people. I’ve been desperately trying to salvage lost connections, and I have been failing miserably. It is totally disheartening to have someone you care about tell you, “I no longer wish to speak to you. Don’t call, text, or email me ever again.”

These aren’t fleeting friends I am talking about, I am talking about friends I have known for some years, shared things with, laughed with, argued with, and cared for. Friends that really meant something to me. I guess I never showed them how serious I was about staying connected. I’m all about connections. I’m not as emotional as I could be, but I thought it was fairly obvious I value friendship in the highest regard.

If I had to face myself a couple years back and tell myself, “Not only will you lose more friends over the years, but all your ex-girlfriends won’t talk to you either!” I’m sure I would’ve freaked out. I prided myself in the fact that I have always been able to talk to my exes not matter what. Shit happens, we aren’t together for a reason, but we did get together for a reason too. I’ve always felt I could talk and keep acquaintanceship with my exes.

I’m kind of freaking out, my circle was already pretty small to begin with, but now it seems to be getting worse. What the hell am I suppose to do? I feel like in some cases it makes perfect sense to be like, “No fuck you too! I’m done with your ass!!!” But at the same time if I really could be that guy then I think I would lose even more people. I think the fact that I care so much about the way I keep connections is one of my better traits. Doesn’t it always seem like your better traits is what you gets you hurt all the damn time? Bah.

Well there isn’t much I can do to save face.This is one of those “swallow your pride” moments where life simply must go on. I’m far from perfect, hell I am not even sure if I’m a good person. But no matter what I am a person. I have feelings, I have beliefs, I won’t abandon my ideals for anyone. It’s been a long time coming, I’m not going to change who I am now.